Why can’t buying a house be as simple as buying a dog house? It’s not like there’s even that much difference between the two these days – within my budget, anyway. I mean, have you seen this ‘dog house architecture’ movement? Some of these joints are pretty close to being sufficient for my needs, albeit on the cramped side and lacking in indoor bathrooms. Who’s to say that taking up the simple life wouldn’t do me good, though? At least I wouldn’t have to pay stamp duty, or wade through piles of paperwork. 

In place of that, I could could be wading through a bone-shaped paddle pool, or at least splashing my feet in it. Or I could be kicking back on a little sofa made to my measurements, built-in kibble and water bowls at the ready. I could even be sunning myself on the faux turfed rooftop sun lounge with ramp access. That’s what dog kennels are about these days, and all for a bargain price with no interest (unless you’re skint and are putting it on lay-by).

I think people need to know about this option, although I have to say I’ve never heard it mentioned by any buyers advocacy service. Melbourne councils might have some restrictions against people living in dog houses, I suppose, especially if it’s their primary dwelling. And maybe I’m not being entirely serious, either. I’d struggle to get by without a kitchen or bathroom and, if I’m honest, getting in and out the door would be no mean feat.

Then again, as a property buyer, you’re bound to wind up bending to something, and it might as well be an entrance designed for a smaller mammal. I mean, it’s either that or, like, bad plumbing, faulty wiring or shabby carpets. You win some, you lose some, right? That’s the ‘buying a house’ game. Of course, I’m not actually going to go and live in a dog house on that account, but you’ve got to consider all the possibilities.