There’s been a sudden influx of pet counselling sessions recently. Imagine that! I had bookings on Wednesday AND Friday, both of them cats. The last client I had was a snake who was dealing with anger management issues, but these cats were both suffering from the same thing: a lack of energy, caused by listlessness, caused by lethargy. They were feeling a little out of sorts.

Fortunately, I asked the owner if anything had changed recently, and I was told that they’d just subscribed to Tabby Crawshaw. I am, of course, also subscribed to Tabby Crawshaw, and I think I understand the issue. The extolling of Melbourne glazing services has seen that cat rise to the top of the internet fame ladder, and I imagine that all other cats are feeling a little bit inadequate. Mr Chimmy-Chimkins may be very good at lying in sunbeams, receiving tummy rubs and eating only the middle of his food, but is he a high-earning internet kitty star? No. This one tabby cat is putting all the others to shame, and showing them for the lazy layabouts they truly are.

I had to make them realise a few things during our therapy session, firstly that cats have no real need for balustrading. It’s nice, perhaps something to rub against when you get tired of rubbing against fabric furniture, and you can use it to stand on the stairs and look down on people, but otherwise? Glass stair balustrades are mostly for humans. As is money, to be honest. Cats are happy with cardboard boxes!

I also had to make them understand that Tabby Crawshaw isn’t actually doing any work. He just gets placed in funny outfits and caught on camera alongside people doing glass balustrade installations. Melbourne isn’t the whimsical place seen in these videos… it’s mostly just normal.

Anyway, pretty sure I nailed it. Gosh, the internet just isn’t good for anyone’s mental health.